Assuming Hierarchy-or-Dominant/Submissive
I've begun to realize that, in any given situation, I will assess where I stand with respect to the other/s I'm with, and decide whether I'm the dominant or the submissive(yes, I'm borrowing BDSM language cuz I find it useful terminology). Whether I'll feel superior or inferior. Whether I"ll have the confidence to assert myself or take others' lead.
Lately, my tendency is towards stepping back--not in the good "step up, step back" way, but in a self-diminishing way, where I put the other person/s on a pedestal of sorts, where I devalue my own experience & insights. This shows up in being timid about calling someone I want to have coffee with to talk politics--wondering if they'll remember me or give me the time of day(when of course they do/will!). It shows up in not wanting to be the one to articulate a potential next step on a date with someone who's much more relationship/sex/dating-experienced than I. It shows up in deferring to other people's opinions about where to go or what to do. grr...
First off, I'm totally devaluing myself and my experience in this process. Crazy how self-confidence works, huh? Add to that my perceived cliqueishness and holier-than-thou attitudes of all these wonderful political folks in the East Bay & SF who I've known vaguely for years--luckily, they're showing me again and again that my perceptions aren't true. (well, I do think that progressive/radical political circles up here are MUCH cliquier-or many different circles--than in the South Bay)
Secondly, it's absurd that I make these hierarchies at all! Geepers. What's that UU principle about the "inherent worth and dignity of every person"? Why do I insist on (often subconsciously) locating everyone I interact with on a social hierarchy of importance? It silences me when I feel "lower," and I wrongly disregard(or condescend to) others when I feel "higher." When really, all relationships are much more complex than this. Such BS. Yet it affects how I prioritize people & things, how I present myself, how much I assert myself.
So I'm gonna work on asserting myself more, and being more deliberate about recognizing when I'm slipping into either dominant or submissive roles. And if you see me do it--call me on it!
Lately, my tendency is towards stepping back--not in the good "step up, step back" way, but in a self-diminishing way, where I put the other person/s on a pedestal of sorts, where I devalue my own experience & insights. This shows up in being timid about calling someone I want to have coffee with to talk politics--wondering if they'll remember me or give me the time of day(when of course they do/will!). It shows up in not wanting to be the one to articulate a potential next step on a date with someone who's much more relationship/sex/dating-experienced than I. It shows up in deferring to other people's opinions about where to go or what to do. grr...
First off, I'm totally devaluing myself and my experience in this process. Crazy how self-confidence works, huh? Add to that my perceived cliqueishness and holier-than-thou attitudes of all these wonderful political folks in the East Bay & SF who I've known vaguely for years--luckily, they're showing me again and again that my perceptions aren't true. (well, I do think that progressive/radical political circles up here are MUCH cliquier-or many different circles--than in the South Bay)
Secondly, it's absurd that I make these hierarchies at all! Geepers. What's that UU principle about the "inherent worth and dignity of every person"? Why do I insist on (often subconsciously) locating everyone I interact with on a social hierarchy of importance? It silences me when I feel "lower," and I wrongly disregard(or condescend to) others when I feel "higher." When really, all relationships are much more complex than this. Such BS. Yet it affects how I prioritize people & things, how I present myself, how much I assert myself.
So I'm gonna work on asserting myself more, and being more deliberate about recognizing when I'm slipping into either dominant or submissive roles. And if you see me do it--call me on it!
posted by Cathy at 11:01 p. m.
2 Comments:
hey cathy-
I wholeheartedly approve- but think that BDSM language doesn't perfectly fit- because an interesting thing about BDSM is that what looks/acts/speaks like submission can actually be, if not running the show, at least having quite a bit of power- getting needs met- etc.- and what looks like domination may not always mean authority but instead striving to fill that role for a moment- aiming to please- etc. it all depends on how you work it but I at least don't see the roles as linear.
but- this is just a side note to the real deal of speaking up, being confident, etc. - I am always working towards more confidence too - I won't even say "accountable confidence" because I think confidence is good in and of itself - confidence is not arrogance - it is just knowing what you want and stating it. go for it! yay Cathy!
xxox,
emily
Where does humility fit into all of this?
I just got back from a month's stay in Korea, and while I was there I found myself savoring the deference and respect that people routinely, obligatorily show to one another. Humility is a social expectation--one that if violated is met with severe disapproval.
In the US, humility is demeaned and transformed into a disease of impotence. Even your construct of dominant/submissive implies that submissiveness is undesirable. But isn't humility a virtue, and doesn't humility require, in some instances, submission?
I dunno.. There's definitely a gender dimension to this, though I'm not exactly sure how. Just thinking out loud, it seems that Korean-American men face two completely opposed models of "proper behavior" (this is probably more generalizable to other ethnicities, but I don't want to stereotype). On the one hand, to be a refined, well-bred Korean man is to show respect to one's peers through deference; if two Korean businessmen meet, you can expect lots of bowing and complimenting and deferring. On the other hand, precisely this sort of behavior earns the Korean-American man the reputation of being weak-willed and emasculated, because American masculinity is based on displays of superiority and power.
So, I dunno, I think our culture needs to reclaim and salvage humility.
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